Beware of the Four Horseman

I wanted to start off by asking have you ever watched the movie Fireproof? If you haven't it is amazing, and I was so happy that it was incorporated in this weeks topics. I had actually watched this movie when I was single and couldn't believe that at times, perhaps not  the exact same situations but similar appears to be in my own marriage, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These mentioned are called the four horseman, I will be explaining each in hopes to help you be aware of them and to see what needs changing in your marriage. 

First, Criticism "You will always have some complaints about the person you live with, But there's a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global-- it adds on some negative words about your mat's character or personality. 

        We have all been guilty of this before, I know I have, and to me when I  feel like I am criticized by my husband I don't usually like it, so why bring up something negative about someone else to tear them down if we are here to build them up? I know that there are times that we need criticize one another, but with the holy ghost, and with love. 

Second, Contempt, "Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. This is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.

      Knowing this we are able to remember that we need to treat our spouses with love, and respect. They are our partners, our best friends, why would we treat someone so close to us in that way?

Third, Defensiveness, "When conversations become so negative, critical and attacking it should come as no surprise that you will defend yourself. Although this is understandable, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  

      I know this is true for me, I tend to get defensive when someone is attacking me, but I believe the way to deal with this is to take a step back, calm down and to calmly discuss what is really bothering your or explain the situation through your eyes, with love and patience can make a world a difference. 

Lastly, Stonewalling. " In marriages where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensivness, eventually one partner tunes out. 

      I see stonewalling as a coping mechanism for when there is nothing you can do or say that will help change the other persons mind, so you tune out. This is harmful in a relationship because not having communication at all doesn't help the other person feel heard, or feels like they don't matter, being able to cope with stonewalling  could be by saying to your spouse to give you a minute to think could help if its a way of tuning out and still being there for your spouse. 

My challenge to you is to be able to recognize in your marriage what you are doing, not what your spouse is doing and to change it. I promise it will help you in your marriage, through communication and make your love grow deeper for each other.